Vincent Lee : My Reelity

She replied one day later. She sounded cheerful, was in every bit surprised to hear from me again and was not in any bit upset at me at all. She tells me life’s been treating her well, and I can sense her happiness from the way she wrote.

I’m happy that you are happy babe.

And with that, I finally had my closure, after all these years.

I had foolishly relied on time to help me get closure. Only to find that its not possible, and this was proven through the course of events that unfolded the past year. In a way, perhaps these events needed to happen to make me realise that I still needed a proper closure. But that doesn’t make me any glad for these events to happen. And it still pains me still that as a consequence (be it directly or indirectly) a friendship was ruined.

But that itself, is a story for another day.

Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

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If you are sending emails to me at vinceli.com, I’m afraid there seems to be some weird technical error and I can’t receive any emails sent there.

So please direct all emails to the not ok one at gmail.com(I only got one gmail account lah) for the time being while I try to get to the bottom of this and fix it.

Of course I’m assuming any one wants to email me in the first place. And of course I’m assuming all those who wanted to and failed to reach me will actually pop in the website and check whats going on.

All very unlikely scenarios, but well, you’ll never know.

I could sense her reluctance the first time round. But I have spent the whole day today in frustration and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make the frustration go away.

It was then I realised I really needed it. And I was prepared to even beg for it. But thankfully, it didn’t come to that.

She relented and gave me what I wanted. Well, maybe not quite I wanted, but a start nevertheless.

The funny thing is I’m still wondering how to proceed. How do you say hi to someone after six years?

How ah?

I realised that its very easy to underestimate one’s emotional being while digging up one’s past. Due to the fact that certain feelings and emotions have stayed buried and dormant for so long, its easy to feel that everything’s fine and dandy and that you’ll emerge from the dug site unfazed.

Wishful thinking.

Its like how some archaeologists poo-poo the idea of ancient tombs bearing curses and carried on with their digging despite the writing (or hierographics) on the wall.

Like I said, wishful thinking.

Photographs. Cards. Notes. Letters. Gifts.

Mementos.

Whats that line in the song again? Oh yes, “The memories are grey but man they are really coming back.”

And came back they did. Each bad one tearing an old wound anew. Each good one failing to lift a heart growing heavier with each “stone” I turned. A heart burdened with the increasing realisation of the futility of this search.

I might not have expected myself to be totally unfazed, but I certainly did not expect the deep sense of frustration that came over me after the search. And the frustration only grew further when I realised that I just really can’t find it on my own anymore.

There’s only one more place left for me to find the answer. It is my last resort, and its one that I had hoped I’ll never have to use.

First the bad news.

The flurry of auditions that I had attended in the past few months have all come to naught. I think my rejection rate, both in reel and real life, is so high that I often wonder why “rejection” is not my middle name (maybe it is, just that I’m not using the right lighting to see it). Had I have gotten some of the roles, it would have fallen nicely into my recently opened up schedule.

Which brings me to the next piece of bad news; I was not able to secure projects for my “other” business for the next month. Although there’s a chance something may still land in the next two weeks, nonetheless, this current state of affairs just made me disconsolate.

And in my distress at being really totally unemployed for the first time in a long time, I think I might have hastily accepted a role that I wasn’t too keen on doing. But just as I was kicking myself, I also realised that it has been ages since I did something for Chinese drama. So in a way, its kinda good to show my face and let them know that I’m still alive and kicking.

I guess the worst part of all this is that it just tipped the scales of me returning to corporate life higher. Aye, I see the U-turn sign looming again. Worse, I see people who might offer me a ride back appearing near the sign already. It will prolly take me the next few months to reach that sign. I hope by then I would have found another route to continue this journey…

Oh. I almost forgot…. the good news.

I’d just received my biggest paycheck for a single day shoot. And so as Duckhawk would say, my tau ghey (beansprouts) just became more expensive.

A bit of cheer amidst the gloom,
a bit of hope despite my fears.

Update : Turned down the role cuz the film dates clashed with a friend’s wedding. Heh.