My Reelity

It’s the first time my Chinese (lunar) birthday falls on the same day as my English one. Not too sure what it means, but it’s made the first cherry popping entry of the year.

It would be a cherry popping night as well, as the gang deemed it fit to bestow upon me not one, but two flaming towers of waterfall.

But thanks to the copious amounts of water from the friendly staff at wala, those fires were doused quite well and I had nary a hangover the day after.

The highlight of the night was the band’s invitation on stage where they got me to act on the happy birthday song sung to an awe-inspiring chinese wong feihong tune.

The expression on her face is priceless. She would later tell me that its because she was trying to hold back her laughter kekeke.

Glad I still have it. 😀

Around this time last year, I was prolly having my best April evar. Parties, free booze, babes etc.

I was also still living the dream; even though it was beginning (what I perceive to be later) its shattered stage.

This year, much has changed and I have put my dreams on hold.

And I’m beginning to see the difference. The reason why you wake up is different. The reason why you sleep is different. The reason why you eat is different. The reason how you motivate yourself to go on living your everyday life is different.

The pursuit of dreams can supplant a lot of our “wants” and “needs”. This is hardly surprising if you look at it from Maslow’s hierarchy; dreams would be at the top of the pyramid. But most folks forget that Maslow’s hierarchy starts with fulfilling the basic needs first, and they also forget what “basic” means in the first place.

Pursuing a dream is all fine and dandy. But what if it doesn’t look like you can reach those lofty heights? What if you can’t find fulfill that self-actualization you crave for after years have gone by?

I think its not illogical to expect that you’ll turn jaded and disillusioned. And depending on the level of jadedness and disillusionment, you might either wallow in self-pity or change your goals/plans.

We are capable of adapting and changing more than we give ourself credit for. It’s how we as a species have survived to this day. But I can’t change you say. Can’t or won’t? There is a difference and “can’t” would put you in the “weaker” chain of the species. We all need a little time of course, but refusing to change or adapt does not increase your odds of survival at all.

I did not let myself become that person. And as I now realise, the only way to keep the dream alive is, ironically, to give it up for the moment. Because jadedness and disillusionment would definitely be the swords to put our dreams to rest.

But if I can defeat the jadedness and disillusionment, I live to dream another day. And that is what I aim to do now.

Happy birthday dude. And welcome to the next level. 😉

“Don’t know where I’m going yet,
But I’m surely getting there”

-Five for Fighting, Easy Tonight.

Happy birthday babe, whereever you are.

Just did my taxes.

For the first time, my acting income dipped below the 4-digit mark.

So there it was, The Sign, blinking and flashing brightly indeed.

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong? Oh oh oh”

Had a little chat with an old friend (M) this afternoon, over msn.

She’s one of the few that’s been supportive of my acting right from the start. I guess its probably because she’s one of the rare few that truly understands this passion that drives me.

I fill her in briefly on what I have been up to this year, and was surprised to hear (or read) her say that she’s really proud of me.

Proud? What’s there to be proud of, I asked her. It’s not as if I’ve made it. In fact, I feel like a failure, I told her. (At this point, I can feel myself welling with emotion)

She says she’s proud because I have the courage to do what most people will not have the courage to do. And that the results did not matter more than the journey.

But her words failed to comfort me. I’m a man without dreams, I told her.

Find new dreams, she said.

I told her my new dreams would most likely be mundane, material and secular ones.

She didn’t buy it. You’re much more than these, she said.

Sigh. You just can’t fool an old friend.

“The hopes I have, are much too high;
Way out of reach but I have to try.”

Hopefully, I won’t need to run, I won’t need to hide.

Hopefully, all the answers will come one by one.

And hopefully, this game will never be over, as long as I’m keeping the dream alive.

(Apologies to Munchener Freiheit for paraphrasing the lyrics of their song)

The abysmal state of acting for me so far this year is not making me regret my initial decision any sooner. I do miss not having to miss my weekends though.

So it looks like this blog is gonna gather more cobwebs in the future.

Unless…

I start blogging about how all this started. You know what? I might just do that.