About this time every year, I’ll give a full time report, and it will always have that as a title.
Not having that as a title this time round probably speaks volume (or is it volumes?). But don’t get me wrong, it’s still a full time report for 2009. Sorta anyway.
This year is, in all likelihood, worse than last year. The roles I’ve gotten were not only just as few, but they were far less meatier as well. Even the lead role didn’t feel like a lead role. So to call a spade a spade, this year kinda confirms the slide that began mid last year.
The year is not a total washout though. True, I still crash and burn in the romance department but I prolly had my best April evar. I still managed to “pop” a few “cherries”. I hit a financial milestone. I achieved my financial target.
I’ve always told myself that when it starts to slide, that’s when I have to consider Plan B. Thing is, I never really thought long and hard what Plan B should be. Heck my only other plan was, if I became too old to act, I’d start making films.
No shit.
I did start making inquiries during the year to see if I can get started somewhere. Not film-making though (cuz I foresee I’ll need capital for that and right now my capital is just a letter “c”) but more like a film buyer. Turns out this particularly part of the industry is not that easy to break into as well, and I wasn’t able to find any leads.
So as I was wondering where my next step should be, one of my clients offered me a position. It’s not the first time; I believe this is like the third time in five years he has offered me a position.
Imagine this : You are a waiter and the restaurant boss has been wanting to promote you for the past few years. The only catch is you have to do the job full time. And you have turned it down all this while because waitering gives you the flexibility to act.
So over the years, you’ve turned down a supervisor role and a manager role. But now the owner comes and asks you to help run the business together. He’s offering you to be part of the business. And the acting’s really been shitty and you’re feeling kinda disllusioned and jaded already. It’s almost a no-brainer what you should do right?
Granted that I wait on a totally different set of tables, this analogy is otherwise totally true for me. I did, however, delayed taking up this offer as long as I could; up to the end of the year in fact.
It is not easy, putting your dreams on hold. I can’t even bring myself to say that I’m really giving this up. I feel like a failure. I feel like a quitter. What do you call people who stop chasing their dreams?
It has been 10 years. At times its been a hell of a ride, but most of the time its been more like being stuck in a traffic jam. A very long traffic jam. I guess I’m getting out of the cab now.
Is this the end? I hope not. I hoped I’ve pressed “pause” instead.
Happy New Year guys. May it be a perfect 10 for all of you.
aww… *hugs*